Certainty and Uncertainty

It is always nice to have gatherings with the closest group of friends. The energy and the noise are one of a kind. Of course, the aftermath will be total chaos but the memories made are unforgettable. It is my boyfriend’s birthday, Warren is 24 years old. We had a double celebration, well triple actually, as it is his birthday, we both passed our licensure exams and it happens to be our anniversary as well. In spite of these reasons to celebrate, Warren is rather quiet most of the time. So when most of our friends left, I decided to talk to him.

“Happy birthday babe!” I tell him while hugging his shoulders. Kissing his cheek. He has these wide shoulders that I love so much.

“Thank you,” he answers me, he moves to face me and hugs me just as tight. “This my favorite part of the celebration,” he whispers.

“Oh yeah?” I say as I lean my head on his chest, I just feel so safe with him. I breathe in his scent and feel the warmth of his body. I think to myself how much I love him. I can stay like this forever. We have been together our entire college years. There will be changes in our from now on, but I know this feeling I have for him, will not. The entire evening, he is different though so I ask him,  “Why so quiet then?” I want to know what is bothering him.

“I just had some silly thoughts.” He answers holding me tighter than ever then he brushes my hair out of my face, and touches my nose lightly.

“Hey, guys! Enough sweetness already!” Peniel shouts and separates us “Let me say goodbye at least,” he says and he pushes me away from my Warren.

“Hey” Warren and I say at the same time. Peniel rolls his eyes at us in reply, and we all laugh. He puts his arm around Warren, he always teases Warren like this because even though he is younger than Warren, he is taller than him.  “I will let this pass since you are leaving for good. But you should not push my girl that way,” he warns him. Peniel rolls his eyes again. He will do it again, that I am sure. Of those boys, only Warren saw me as a girl, the rest see me as a guy. I smile and shake my head. Before Warren could answer, the rest of our friends came to say their greetings to Warren and goodbyes to Peniel. And before we know it, we are already crowded and in for a big group hug.

When all of our friends leave, the house suddenly becomes so quiet.

“I can not believe we are friends with those crazies.” I laugh while collecting the trash.

“Weirdos loves crazies” Warren answers, and I agree with him. We are the weirdos and those people were the crazies.

“I cannot believe Peniel is leaving and moving so far away,” I tell Warren. “He shall be missed.” Warren stays quiet. Maybe that’s it, he is affected that Peniel is moving, although they are not that close, I guess they are closer than it seemed.

“What do you think of Peniel?” Warren asked. That is a weird question.

“Well, Peniel is a nice guy and fun to be around,” I answer Warren.

“I mean as a man.” He asks. This is a weird conversation, we don’t usually talk about our friends in this way.

“I don’t know, I am not that close to him and I do not know him that much. But he was always nice to us, and very reliable. A good friend I would say,” I continue answering while I approach him. “Why do you ask?” The question is out of the blue and I got curious.

“Do you like him around?” He asks again.

“He is our friend, of course, I like him around,” I answer him with a questioning look.

“I have another silly question, but,” he tells me, I want to stop him but he cuts me off with his look, “But please answer the question and do not overthink it, okay? I am just curious,” he goes on, I roll my eyes, I know I will hate the question and I have a feeling I know what he will ask me. “It is my birthday and consider this one of my wishes, please” he pouts his lips, acting cute. I have a feeling he is feeling some weird jealousy regarding Peniel and I do not know why I hardly talk to the guy and I hardly even look at him. And I know for a fact that Peniel does not see me as a girl, pushes me around, and treats me like a guy all the time. He even makes me carry his backpack.

“What is the question,” I ask, sitting down and making sure I do not have anything to grab and throw at him.

“If, and only if and I am not saying we will, just if…” he says slowly and I am starting to lose my patience.

“If what?” I push him to just speak it out.

“If we ever break up, who among my friends would you date? Will it be Peniel?” He finishes the sentence in one go. I knew it. My mind goes blank with shock at first then my irritation finally creeps in after a few seconds my hands start to search for anything so that I can throw it at him. Silliest and most stupid question ever. I feel my face burn. His facial expression changed too, I must have overreacted.

“Are you seriously asking me that question?” I ask him, trying to act calm and cool.

“I was just curious,” Warren says and he slowly reaches for my hand but I push his hand away. How can he think like this?

“First of all, what a silly and stupid question. Second, me and you breaking up…” The thought is just painful. I have not considered that since we started going out. I was always with him since then and we were never separated. Is he thinking of breaking up with me? “Me and you breaking up… is just… ” I can’t even complete that sentence, “and third, me going out with one of your friends after the break-up?” I looked up at him. “It is all unthinkable.” Maybe I overreacted, but the idea alone pinched me. I value friendships and love so much. I do not agree with the idea of going out with your exes’ friends. In fact, I hate that idea. And this idiot boyfriend of mine knows that. I just don’t get how men think sometimes.

“Maybe if I rephrased the question, what if we were not together, who would you choose from my friends instead of me?” Warren insisted. This time I had it, I grab a pillow and hit his head. He started laughing and enjoying this torture.

“None.” I simply say. He looks at me. He is really acting weird, I wonder why. “What’s wrong?”

“Just being silly, babe,” he tells me and kisses my forehead. I do not believe that. “Grab your things and let’s get you home.”

“I choose none of your friends. I mean they became my friends because somehow I am with you. I hang out with them so I can be with you,” I tell answer him something that he always knew. “I will always choose you. It is you I want to be with. Always you, Warren.” I look at him and touch his face. I do not know where he gets these ideas, but it is really bothering him.

Upon hearing my answer, he holds onto my hand and pulls me close to him. He kisses me ever so gently, it is one of those kisses that eases the mind and promises forever. It has been a while since we kissed this way.

“I love you,” he whispers after our magical kiss ends.

“I know silly,” I answer him.