Two big news today. One of them is that Peniel’s company is offering me a job here in Dubai. Imagine that? To work in Dubai and be with Peniel! The salary is breathtaking and they will even provide an apartment for me which is next to Peniel. It is amazing! Best job offer I ever had. However, I am still thinking if I should take it or not. Aside from the idea that this will be an entirely new step for my career and life since I would be far from my family, far from home and it is a new country so there will be new adjustments. So I am still confused about that… and I have not done such a big change in my life yet. The second news of the day… well… maybe this has affected my chain of thoughts more than the first news, is that we have an upcoming reunion. This time our friends chose Dubai since both Peniel and I are already here and Peniel know some people who could arrange these kinds of parties or reunion in an almost free of charge kind of way. That is Peniel, he has some connections and charms, especially when it comes to partying and gathering. Well, the news is not the reunion itself… but it is the fact that Warren is coming. Yes, he is coming. All these years, this is the first time he and I will be at the reunion at the same time. For the previous reunion when he comes, I don’t come and he does the same thing (as if we talked about it). But now both of us are going to be there. Just the idea that both of us will be at the same place at the same time made me nervous and the moment Peniel announced it, I felt my knees go weak of course he rolled his eyes at me as his reply to my reactions.
“Get over it,” were the words Peniel whispered to me. Believe me, I want to! I really want to get over him. Get over it. I want to be Warren free. I want to lose all these feelings I have for him. It has been 7 years. It should be gone by now.
For the entire week, I tried not to think about Warren coming to the reunion. He might cancel, which I hope he does. I tried focusing on the job instead and I tried talking to all of my family, to get their advice on whether I should take the job here in Dubai for 3 years or not. So for the whole week, I was trying my best to be busy, swamped with work, with my family and of course the preparations for this reunion. Constantly surrounded by people and not just my thoughts. Because if I will be alone… all I would think about is Warren. Warren this, Warren that. It somehow worked.
Now here I am at the Reunion. No one has seen me yet, because I am here at the garden all by myself. I am not hiding, I am just gathering my wits. I thought I was ready to see Warren but when I saw him I ended up running away from him and our friends. Hence the result is I am here by the bush, the darkest area at the party. This bush became my friend for a couple of minutes now… for some reason, I liked the peace and quiet in this area. He really came. I cannot believe it. And right now I am watching him talk to our friends, thank goodness it is dark here and no one has seen me yet. I have to get out there I know but I just need to control my emotions, especially my heart because it has been pounding! Pounding as if it wants to get out of my rib cage. That is what I felt when I first saw him. Him looking so handsome did not help at all. He wore a black suit which totally complimented his features and body, his hair neatly fixed. He did not change. He is still Warren. His broad shoulders are still there, his smile and presence still captivate me. He looks like one of those enticing businessmen in movies, the dark haired with a charming smile, sexy eyes, smoldering lips, just the dangerous type, the ones you should be careful about. I watch him quietly… I have this mixed emotions then suddenly I felt sad…and the more I watch him… the gloomier I felt… and the clearer of that night’s memory becomes… it was the night we broke up… of all the things to remember, that is what I am remembering, not our happy moments. I have no idea why… I cannot help it… it is as if I am watching the moment happen now… like I am observing the past me and him. Is this the love story I have with Warren? A sad love story? There is no hate between the two us and I know we felt so much love for each other, it is just that the timing of our love story is wrong, even the situation is wrong. I think this is why I think of it as sad. Even now he is across from me, I still feel the distance between me and him. He has another life now, and so do I, and our so-called love lines are not meeting. Like parallel lines. I think this is why I feel that ours is a tragic kind of love story. Tragic and sad. And remembering the night we broke up only confirms it…
That night we decided to meet after weeks of not talking at all with each other. That is how bad it got. Warren and I did not speak, nor text nor anything at all for weeks. I remembered he called me only to tell me that we need to talk about our problems and he would be coming home just to do that. He took this job away from home and it had been one year since we were away from each other. At the beginning, we were trying to cope up, we were always video calling each other every night and we text all the time. However, as he got busier, so did I. Our schedules started not meeting for days, then for weeks, then for months. I met new friends that he hated and I felt the same for his friends at that time as well. Jealousy and insecurity were all over the two us. The whole time we have been a couple, we were always together. Always. Our friends even tease us a lot about it, they said when he moves I move and vice versa. But for one year, we had been doing this long distance relationship and it had been hell and painful since we were used to being together, physically and emotionally together. It was a bad year for the two of us, we were so far away from each other, and we do not talk, we just fight and argue. We do not have time to talk to each other to the point that he needed to come home just so the two of us could do just that. For the first time ever, I did not feel excited when he told me he would come home. Something was wrong and I knew it. I knew that we went from bad to worse…maybe worst point of our relationship because at that time he decided he needed to come home just to talk to me. It felt serious and urgent. But since he is coming home, I really hoped that we would fix this. It is us, but still something heavy was in my heart at those time. It got heavier when I met up him… the moment he came by my house, I knew it. The look on his eyes alone… made me tear up inside already. I knew it then. I felt it. This will not be fixed. His face says it all. I wanted to run to him and hug him but for some reason, I froze.
“Caella” he whispered my name, did not call me babe…but he came near me and he hugged me, but this hug is different…it is not the same as before… it did not make me feel safe like before… I hugged him back anyway. It still feel right being hugged by him but then for some seconds it felt wrong as well, so I hugged him tighter and he did the same thing. I miss him. I miss him so much. I wanted to tell him that but something in my head tells me not to. I think he is thinking and doing the same thing. “How are you?” he asked me. Small talk, I do not think we have time for that. I have not slept since he told me he would be home. I kept on thinking about this talk.
“I do not know…” I answered him. I am not fine that is for sure. He is not fine either, I can feel it. “So?” We need to talk about this whole relationship thing. We need to fix this and I can’t wait for another minute of us being so distant from each other like this.
“This long-distance relationship” his voice was shaking. Is not working, I thought to myself “is really not working for us…” he told me. Same thoughts and I agree with him and I knew exactly what he means. But as he said those words, my chest started to feel so heavy and constricted… and breathing became so hard… I know that the more we are apart the more I grow to hate him and I do not want to hate him because I love him so much. Even though my mind agrees with him, somehow my body does not…so I simply put my head on this shoulders. I know I should tell him my thoughts but I decided not to tell him. We are still holding each other. Good thing that he did, because after my chest felt so heavy my knees came next, I started to feel weak and numb. All I can think about was that I want him here with me. However, it is not right for me to ask him to leave his job and just be here with me. He did not ask that from me, so I should not do that. We would really hate each other if we made each of us choose between our dreams and being together. I understand all of that. But apart of me really wanted to just lay on the floor and beg him to quit his fucking job and just tell him to come back home. “Caella” Warren said my name again, this is it. He is decided. I think I have decided too. It feels right to break up… staying together felt like we are suffocating each other anyway. But how could I ever let him go? I love him so damn much. “Do you agree with me?” Warren asked me while looking into my eyes, that’s the only time I noticed that he had been crying too. This is hard for him too, maybe even harder since he is the one ending it, saying the words and being stronger between the two of us, as usual. I could not answer him. I just froze and wept. How could I agree with that? “I love you so damn much… you know that right?” Warren told me, both our teary eyes were locked with each other. I could not answer him, instead, I held on to his face and I nodded, then I hugged him again this time tighter with the intention of not wanting to let him go.
“Why do we have to be apart? Why do we love each other so much like this but we can’t be together?” I asked him as if he knows the answer to that. He did not answer me. He just hugged me back. I can’t help but agree that this is the best for the two of us. But how could I ever handle this? I am so used to him. He had been a part of my life for so long. In his arms, I felt so safe. He is my comfort zone. I belong in his arms. I fit in them so perfectly. He is my everything. He is my world. I will miss him so much. I will miss the way he is holding me like this. With all these thoughts in my head, I did not realize that I started to cry helplessly and loudly. I wept like a child, like a lost child. I cried desperately. I know I may have been selfish at that moment, as he is hurting as well too… but I love him and I do not want us to be apart. I cannot hide what I feel and at this moment I am not ashamed of it. Even if this would be our last memory together, I do not care, I want him to know and feel how painful is this moment, how heartbreaking… that is all that I could do.
I cried and cried, he cried with me. Then he walked me to my room lay me to my bed where I cried more and he just hugged me until I fell asleep. When I woke up, all his things were gone and he is gone too. The only thing left of him and our memories was of a picture frame with the photo of the two of us, which happens to be my favorite photo too. I remembered my mind went blank when I saw it. It is true. It happened. We broke up. Maybe I should have said something, maybe I should have told him that I do not agree with him. All these were in my head, but of course, I did not do anything. I just cried and cried.
That was 7 years ago… and still, at this night, it felt as if it was just yesterday. I had no idea how I moved on. I was the type of girl that said I could not live without Warren, although I managed to live but it was as if I was empty. It felt like I was just existing and something was always missing. I know I have lost my way during the first year of our break up. I kept on drinking and partying. I was really in despair. It was one of the first time I had my heart broken. Warren was first love and I lost him. I did not know how to handle it. But I also remember being nagged at by Peniel one night. And things started to change. But I did not date anyone after Warren. All these years I kept on thinking, maybe I should tell Warren how I still feel about him but I am also scared that it will not be good for him and that I will just confuse him. Besides, he probably moved on already. He may not feel the same way about me anymore. I just want him to be happy because he deserves that, he is such as a nice person. I still miss him every single day though. And yet, instead of talking to him, here I am at this bush, hiding away from him. I should just say hi to him, greet him and all that, be not scared… but here I am still hiding. I have waited for this moment and I have imagined it happening in my head in a lot of versions but not one of them includes of me hiding in this bush. Real life and expectations… I know I have changed, I am not as brave as before. The old me would just run up to him, but this new me is just scared. All the things I practiced in my head, the small talks and all that crap, disappears. The longer I stare at him the more nervous I get.
“Caella?” I heard Peniel’s voice. Thank goodness, it is him.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked him, still hiding behind the bush.
“Your perfume silly.” He said while extending his arms to help me come out. “Besides I saw you running away. I have been looking for you.” he went on. The look on his face made me smile then laugh. I am silly. Hiding here is stupid. “Fix yourself, will you?” he bossed more.
“Aye, aye” I agreed with him, standing up properly, and fixing my party dress.
“Damn girl! You look beautiful.” Peniel told me, that was the first time he complimented me. “Why are you hiding here, you should be showing everyone out there especially Warren how you defied time and got more beautiful.” he is teasing me now.
For some reason, seeing Peniel had calmed me down and all my sad thoughts slowly disappear.
“Thanks, El.” I told him, “You look very handsome as well.”
“I know,” he said knowingly. I laughed again. “Shall we?” With the look in his eyes and his smile, so comforting, I can’t help but nod and simply say “Yes.” Together we entered the party.
Telling Tales, Irin 