Certainty and Uncertainty 6

I watched Peniel walk… did not and could not do anything… I did not know what to say… then it hit me, how should I go home… Silly me, thinking of that while Peniel just poured his heart out…

“Caella?” I heard him call me, I know this voice…

“Warren?” I called him, he smiled. “You are still here?” I thought he left already. I was surprised again and again. This evening is becoming more intense by the second.

“Peniel suggested I take you home, he said he had some things to do,” Warren told me. Things suddenly felt awkward. And just pure crazy. Things change. I wanted to laugh at the idea. 7 years ago, this situation would be totally normal and I’d be grinning like a stupid girl by now. However, at this moment it is as if Peniel has given him permission for this. I really wanted to laugh, but I could not and should not. Oh, how things change! “If that’s alright?” he asked. I must have a dumb look on my face, my mind is blank for words. Warren is really here. “So… shall we?” Warren asked again. I nodded. I was just thinking of how I will make Peniel feel guilty for leaving me at the middle of the night, it turned out, as usual, he had taken care of it, taken care of me, as always.

“Sure,” I said and then we walked to his car. It was quiet. Funny how things like this happen. We became strangers. Strangers to friends to lovers then to strangers. Life. I have to say something, this is too quiet.

“How are you?” I asked and he asked at the same time. We both smiled at each other. He is still so handsome, that smile of his removes the intensity and seriousness of his features. He opened the car door for me, Warren never changed, still the same, Peniel would not do that for me. There are a lot of ways of being a gentleman, not just by opening doors he reasoned out. Funny of how I am thinking of Peniel.

“Good,” I answered while getting inside his car. I waited until he is seated. “How about you?” Is he nervous as well?

“Good. I am finally moving back home.” He told me. So it is true. I know about it, Peniel told me earlier, along with his confessions. I want to kill him for saying those things and then leaving for me to think about it.

“I am so happy for you,” I told him. I wanted to hear that 7 years ago. If I heard that 20 minutes earlier, I think I would have been jumping up and down just about now. That’s right, why am I not jumping up and down with his news?

“Thanks,” he replied. “Let’s get you home.” He said while starting the car. When he said that, I realized he would not know where my place would be, so automatically I reached for my phone and typed in my address in google maps. He smiled, I guess I must have read his mind. I am glad that after all these years apart, we still have that connection. 

On the way home, we were just quiet. I think both of us are thinking of what to tell each other. Strangers to friends to lovers then to strangers, I keep on thinking that. He was the closest person I knew, and now suddenly, I do not know this person sitting next to me. How could things end up like this? And of course, I am also thinking whether Peniel is home or not. Should we continue talking? Or should I leave that for tomorrow?  But even if we talked, I would not know what to tell him. I am keeping my calm but my mind is really shouting at the moment. Warren dropping me home and Peniel’s confession. This is too much!

“So we are here,” he announced as we reached my apartment.

“Would you like you to come inside?” I asked him out of politeness but I just remembered, I have to talk to him as well. I promised Peniel I would.

“I have an early flight tomorrow. I have to head back to the hotel.” He answered. So I guess no confession tonight. “But I do need to talk to you.” I was surprised at that. I just nodded. What will we talk about, I asked myself. He turned off his car. He wanted to stay in the car, probably he knew that Peniel would be home and that would be awkward.

He took a deep breath before he speaks. Man, I know that sigh, this must be a big one.

“I am probably a few years too late but I am really sorry of how we ended things. I am sorry that I did not even say a proper goodbye after we broke up. I tried calling you or sending you messages but I did not want to bother you.” He paused and looked at me. He still does that. “It just, seeing you cry like the way that you did, it killed me especially that I was the reason for those tears and I know I can’t keep on doing that again and again”  He sighed, “you were always on my mind, all these years I keep on thinking about you and how I really did not want to end things between us. I wanted to tell you that but I could not go and could not leave my job. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for not keeping my promise that I will always be with you.”

“I felt the same way. I didn’t really want to break up. I wanted you to stay home but of course, I could not ask you to do that. I thought of leaving my job and just go to London with you, but then I realized what will I do there. I just started with my job back then as well. I guess we both did not want to end things but we know we had to do it. We really suck at the long distance thing.” I said, chuckling.

He laughed at that.

“Yes, all those fighting and jealousy” Warren agreeing and reminiscing with me, while shaking his head.

“I was so used to the idea that we were always together. My life just revolved around you. Did you know that?” I told him. I missed him, I miss talking to him like this. I wish he would hold me now just as he did before. I wonder if it would feel the same just as it did 7 years ago.

“So was I. You were my world Caella, and you still are….I miss you…” he told me while he slowly reached for my hand and kissed it. He misses me too.

“It is still you for me too, Warren,” I told him. It has always been him.

He smiles but it feels different.

“It has been years Caella, but I still know you. Something is bothering you.” As I heard that, confusion hit me a little bit but I know I have to listen to what he will say. “Back then when you told me that you will always choose me, that it will always be me at that time, I felt really happy and glad. Then I realize that it was selfish of me to feel that. There is a difference between really knowing about your choices and simply just choosing between them. I know of Peniel’s feelings for you.” He said.

“You do?” I asked, a bit surprised but then somehow I kind of expected it.  

“Yeah, I kept on pushing him to tell you already. I even told him that I will not talk to you if he will not tell you his feelings for you.” he paused as I gave him a questioning look. “I want you to know both our feelings Caella..“

“Why?” I asked. What is happening here?

“You do not have to choose or do anything. You just need to know. In the end, it is all up to you.” he answered simply. All up to me, I thought. What should I tell him? “Caella? What’s on your mind?” he asked, I must have been quiet for a while.

“You are coming home but I had a job offer here… The contract lasts for 3 years… I am not sure whether I should take that job or not…” I said, finally speaking my thoughts.

“Working here would be good for you. It will be good for your career.” Warren told me, I am not surprised that he would say that.

“But I have been waiting for this night for 7 years. I have been waiting for you.” I replied this is what I wanted to hear. But then again, should my world really stop for this? For him?

This time Warren held my face and slowly kissed my forehead. “I guess this time I will be the one waiting for you back home. I think it is your turn to experience life.”

Why does everyone keep on saying that? I already know what I want in life. It has always been you, I thought.

“Caella, when we broke up, I dated girls and were in a couple of serious relationships, I really committed myself in those relationships however, the more I see those other girls, the clearer it gets that it is you whom I want to be with.”

“If you wanted to be with me, why did you wait this long?” I asked. Why is this important, I somehow do not understand. Why can’t we be just together? Simple like before.

“I guess I was waiting for you to do the same thing. I really thought you and Peniel would be a together. I told him a couple of times to tell you.”

Here we go again with Peniel, “Would you be really okay if Peniel and I became a couple?” I asked, would that be really okay?

“No, not really.” he replied, “but Peniel is a good man. I’d rather lose you to him than any other guys.” He sighed, “to be honest, I am actually scared if you guys will be together. He probably loved you longer than I ever had. And you probably may end up together.” he said, looking down, for the first time in this whole conversation, he looked away. Seriously, what is happening here?

“I do not understand,” I told him honestly, “do you want us to get back together or do you want me to be Peniel?”

“I want to be with you Caella, but it is not about what I want here. It is about what you want. Forget about Peniel and me, we both want the same thing. It is you, who you should think about.”

This is what I really love about Warren. I know him. I understand him. We have the same thoughts. Unlike Peniel, I do not know what the hell he is thinking. He says things then do things differently. He is as clear as turbulent water. Even if he says things I still do not get it or understand it. He has this mysteriousness that scares me because I cannot understand it. The saying about people being afraid of things they have no knowledge about is true and I finally understand that now.

“Peniel told me about his feelings. He told me and he just left! Can you believe that? You don’t say something like that big and just leave!” I told Warren. I feel weird that I talk to him about this, but I have no one else at the moment and if I do not talk about this, I could lose my mind.

“So he finally told you huh?” Warren said, smirking. “I have been convincing him to tell you already, ever since he spoke about that last night we were all together.”

“You guys knew all these years! I hate you both!” I said, my temper a bit rising.

“Hey hey, that is not fair…” Warren protested.

“What fair?! I feel like a ping pong ball!” I said, more to myself than to him.

“So don’t be one,” Warren said sincerely.

“I hate him” I hear myself say.

“No, you don’t. You are scared of him..” he said emphasizing on each word.

“Yeah, maybe I am scared of him… he makes me feel different” I whispered, more to myself.

“So what will you do Caella?” Warren asked, looking like an angel, my angel.

“Well I do have a job offer, they said I can take leave and think about it. Even my current company advises me to take leave since they do not want me to resign.” I chuckled, I guess what I have to do is getting clearer. “Looks like I will take a week off and just be somewhere.” This is the first time I will be doing this, choosing. When Warren and I broke up, he decided that for us. Now it is my turn to choose, an old job or a new job? Warren or Peniel? My life back home or a new one waiting here in Dubai? Which one? I look at Warren, his eyes are full of promises, like that night. “I love you Warren, I always have and always will.” I have to say it.

“I love you Caella. Always and forever.” Warren said and he kissed me. I know this kiss, it is the kind of kiss that eases the mind, relaxes the soul, and promises forever.