Dancing Trees

Thoughts

I keep watching the series friends. I do. I hope that does not mean that I am lonely. But I do feel like I am Rachel at the moment. She went out to New York and live the life she wants. She is trying to know who she is and build that career she really likes and love. So I guess this is why I love watching the series, coz I feel like I am Rachel. But Rachel has Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Ross. It is so cool that she is not alone. They were her magic beans aside from her own strength. I kind of wish I have my Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. As of now, most of the days I am by myself. I say that’s a good thing coz I can do more writing, more meditating, and more growing. I am not lonely but the company would be nice. To go through this with someone listening and can laugh up with. I used to have that. I guess I always had that. Maybe I have taken them for granted? Or maybe it is just a different life now and this time I can do it by myself.

I realize it is never easy creating a new world. It is like staring at a blank canvas and wouldn’t know what to paint or where to point that brush or even which color to choose. It is like staring at a blank page and couldn’t figure out which is the first word to write. But you know in your mind you have a lot in your imagination and creativity but just couldn’t figure out what to write or paint first.

I calm myself, I meditate and I ground myself. It is nice to know that I can do that. That I can calm myself down and I love that I hear myself and even envision myself doing the things that I dream of doing. It’s just that I really don’t know where to start. It’s so overwhelming inside my thoughts and so a greater part of me is just trying to calm myself down. Hell, I don’t even know if I am doing that right. I wish someone could tell me that I am doing this right. I look over there’s none. But I look at the leaves of the tree outside my window and I watch them dance with the wind, then I feel the soft breeze all over my body, it feels so damn good. So how can it be not right? Right?

At the moment I have me. I can rely on myself. It makes me feel so brave and so out there. I guess I just want to be more kind to myself. And when I feel a little lonely, I watch Friends. That’s not so bad, is it?